Trouble Won't Wait

You might think that the first month of marriage would be filled with nothing but greatness and happy thoughts. Of memories of the times you shared at the wedding ceremony and reception. Of looking at pictures and wishing the day would have lasted a lifetime. Of talking about what your future as husband and wife might hold. That’s what most people think and I would say that for most people, that is what happens.

Andrew and I had another experience, however. An experience that I wish could be erased and never thought of again. Unfortunately, it has consumed the first month of our marriage and while the irritation and frustration of it all works me up just to think about it, I am also grateful.

I won’t go into detail about what exactly happened the morning after our wedding, the best night of our lives, but I will say that someone, who we once thought was a very special part in our lives, tarnished that day forever. Comments were made about me to my new husband that should have never been spoken the day after our wedding, or ever really. The whole day, which should have been filled with laughter and smiles, was instead filled with anger and tears. It doesn’t matter what was said, or why it was said (actually it does matter but for this story it is irrelevant), all that matters is that it happened. I am really not sure what thought process or conversation was had to determine the morning after our wedding was the best time to confront the groom about accusations concerning his bride. Never in a million years would I do something of the sort, even to someone I couldn’t stand. What would have to be said to convince someone that ruining the day after a friend’s wedding was a good idea? Is there no such thing as human decency anymore? Is there no such thing as keeping your mouth shut to protect the feelings of others?

To this day I still get angry over what happened and even writing this I have anxiety over the whole situation. There are, however, many positive things that have come out of such a dark moment in the beginning of our marriage.

For starters, trusting my instincts and “gut” feelings is extremely important. The funny thing about all this is that the week before our wedding, I cried to Andrew because I knew something was going to happen involving the people who felt the need to ruin our special weekend. I didn’t know what would happen, but I just had a feeling that I couldn’t shake. I was upset by the feeling and hated that I was feeling that at all. This person/people were supposed to be a special part of the weekend, why do I feel like this about them? I didn’t want to believe that they would do something to take attention away from what should have been a weekend of joy, especially seeing as to how they would soon be having a wedding themselves and would not want anything bad happening on their weekend. Andrew calmed me down, as he always does, and assured me that nothing would happen because there just isn’t any way someone would do that, especially this person who meant so much to him. My instinct turned out to be right on target and from this moment on, I will never second guess myself or take my guard down when I have a feeling like I did. True colors were shown that weekend and they were colors that I had seen from the very beginning. It’s sad really. I so badly wanted to be proved wrong, I so badly wanted my first impressions to be wrong, I so badly wanted everything to run smoothly and not have a care in the world the entire weekend.

Second, God will always protect me. For those of you who know me well, you may know that I have a tendency to “react” to put it nicely. When I feel threatened or confronted in some way, I don’t really think twice about what I say or do, I just say and do. Luckily, I have married a man that is, for the most part the complete opposite and has managed to “tame the wild beast”…….SLIGHTLY! There was a strange pull for me to stay in our hotel room when Andrew was going to say goodbye to these people and I now know that “pull” was God. None of these comments were said to me directly and I won’t dismiss the power that made me stay in the room. Had I heard those words directly, which were said in a crowded lobby of our family and friends, I would have lost it. I would have blown a fuse on more levels than one. For someone to stoop so low as to think that the day after someone’s wedding was the appropriate time to accuse the bride of wrongdoing, when there was in fact none, is outrageous to me. I can promise you here and now, had I been in that area when this happened, I might have very well needed to be restrained. There is a reason I didn’t go to the lobby and God was looking out for me that morning. While I was angry and upset when Andrew told me what was said, I can only imagine how things would have been had I heard it directly. To replay the look on Andrew’s face when he walked through the door and told me what happened is heartbreaking. He is such a good man and never steps his foot out of line. He is possibly the sweetest person I know and to see that hurt, rage and anxiety in his face and know the person who caused him to feel that way sets me on fire. I take a deep breath and move past that feeling, but he didn’t deserve that, I didn’t deserve that, WE didn’t deserve that.

Third, Andrew and I have incredible true friends who will be there for us in our time of need. The amount of support and love we got from the friends who wanted to be a special part of our weekend was overwhelming. I will never forget the feeling of having people come to our aide in such a low moment in time for us. To have friends talk us through all the different emotions we have felt over the last 6 weeks has been a blessing. Every time I begin to get upset again, I know that the people close to my heart will always be there.

Fourth, I acquired an amazing family by marrying a McDowell. Once I heard of what happened, I went to go find my mom to talk to her. When I went to the lobby to find her, my new mother in law immediately saw me and ran to me. She gently pulled me into the corner so I could cry on her shoulder with no one watching. The fact that she knew, with one glance, that something was wrong says more than the word “family.” She calmed me down and talked me through the tears until my mom showed up. I could not ask for anything more than that. To have married into a family that sees me as their own is something that can’t be described in words. I have always known I was a part of the McDowell family, but at that moment, I knew that it wasn’t by marriage that I was a family member, it was by love.

Last, I married an incredible person. To see Andrew stick up for me and fight for me was something that also can’t be easily described with words. Over the last month, we have had more discussion about the incident, but even more, conversations about our own relationship that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. After seeing the way this worked out, we both realize how strong of a relationship we have. I respect Andrew with everything that I am, and he loves me enough to defend me against a good friend that was in the wrong. For those of you that know Andrew, you know that he is not one for confrontation. For him to confront and defend me the way he did was incredible and made me even more confident (if that was possible) in our marriage.

We love and have loved each other for who we are through and through. We have never tried to change the other. Does change happen, of course, it is only natural to change when you are committed to another person, but the question remains is the change for the better? If you can look deep into yourself and know that the changes you have made in your life are the best for you then everything is ok. I know I have changed in my three and a half years with Andrew and so has he. I am a better person now that I am with him and I think he would say the same.

There are a few lessons that have been learned throughout all of this, the first of which is some things are better left unsaid. This all started with a decision to confront Andrew the day after our wedding. It is one thing to be upset and want to say something, it is a completely different thing to make that leap and say it. Sometimes people think they will “feel better” by getting something of their chest or feel the need to correct or accuse someone of “bad” behavior, but I have to ask, does that often work out in the end? There are times in life when it is better to keep something locked up for the sake of someone else’s feelings. That is a lesson I, unfortunately, have learned the hard way and have lost many friends because of. To those people who have been a victim on me speaking before I think, I apologize whole heartedly. What I learned is to stop and take a mere few seconds to put yourself and the others shoes and ask yourself “how would I feel if this was said to me?” If you do make the decision to take that leap and make comments that are hurtful and inappropriate, both in content and timing, then make sure you are prepared for the consequences. A single word can have a massive ripple effect. I can’t help but wonder had nothing been said where we would all be. My initial character judgment on this person would have been proven wrong and I would have had no choice but to give them another chance. We would have one more special person still in our lives. We all would have gone along minding our own business and allowing the other to live a happy life. That’s not what is happening, however. The ripples that have come from the words that were spoken will never stop. They have ruined relationships and weekends and will continue on forever.

The next lesson is that no matter how dark a cloud may be, there will always be a silver lining. It has taken me 6 weeks to come to this conclusion and I can’t tell you how many times I started and stopped this blog because I was ready to admit that some good has come from what happened. As I am writing, I am healing. I will never forget what happened or what was said or what followed after. Every anniversary will be spent with the “next” day looming over it. Writing this blog has allowed me to take something so negative and find the silver lining. It has allowed me to look forward to the day after our anniversary and have more than just our wedding to celebrate. I don’t think thank you would be the appropriate thing to say to the people who made these comments, but without this incident, it would have taken me much longer to be grateful for what I have in my life. I have been forced to look deep into myself, my marriage, my friends, my family and I have come to realize that I have an amazing life.

“Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.”

I am not sure who said this quote, but it makes me think of what people might think about this blog post. This is more for me to heal and accept what has happened and move on. Some people may think it is too much or the “wrong” thing to do, but I just don’t care. The people who know and understand me will know why I wrote this blog and they just won’t care.